Airing It Out: A Fan's Online Rant

DISCLAIMER: Anything mentioned below is to be regarded no more seriously than the pinings of your local mechanic who, in the middle of a sweltering heat wave, bitches about the woes of his beloved Red Sawx without any evidence more credible than "Mahk Bellhoahn shoah strikes out way too much." He bleeds with every word, that much is certain; but the intricacies and workings of reason and logic tend to escape his mental faculties. Also, there are swear words. Mind the young ones.

We had absolutely no right to expect a win. Outside of Manny's home run, the Red Sox did nothing right. I do everything I can to provide you, the readers of this site, with balanced and occasionally humorous insight into the Sox, but right now, that's the last thing on my mind. On a night when the Yankees were shut out by Adam Loewen and the miserable Orioles, the Sox decided it was a good night to just kick back and see if they couldn't scrape out a win. Against the smaller, weaker teams, Mystique and Aura put the Bombers over the top. The Sox just think they get the W's for showing up. Sigh, let's do this in order:

1. David Wells: Do everyone a fucking favor: pitch and act like you care, or retire. If we were the Yankees would you be so wishy washy? What about if we were in San Diego? I hear that an extra 140+ pounds is great for your knees, so I'm glad you're trying to take things in the right direction.

2. Terry Francona: I love you, man, I really do, but you need to stop trotting out the B Team when you feel someone's owwie needs a break. Manny's got knee troubles? Fine, that's cool. Ortiz at 1B? Not terrible, but not the best thing, considering you could've kept Youkilis at first and put Alex ".379 OBP" Cora at third and maintained our defense, which, in case you haven't noticed, is the only part of our team showing up with consistency. That big inning for the Devil Rays could've been prevented if Ortiz doesn't boot the ball.

3. Kevin Youkilis: You're a fan favorite. You cost me pennies in the draft. You're currently one of my favorites, but you're starting to slide down the list. You're playing great, and I'm super excited for you. Here's the thing, though: you are not the next Mo Vaughn, nor are you the next John Olerud. You're an above average offensive and defensive player at a power position. When you start bitching about strikeouts, when you start whining and rolling your eyes and throwing a hissy fit about lining out to the second baseman or flying out to the warning track instead of raking your four RBI, you look like a baby. Cut it out. It makes it that much harder for me to watch games without frustration.

4. Coco Crisp: Do you have any idea how many time's I've gone to bat for you? And would you believe most of the time I bloop it into the gap instead of bouncing/grounding/flying out? That's a lot more than you've done. You're a lot of fun, Coco, but don't kid yourself: you're not a superstar yet. Your job is to be the guy who gets on base and then runs. You're supposed to see pitches and get them in for hits, not hit five-run home runs. Your defense has been admirable, but that's all you've got going for you. Everyone's down on you, man, and I'm trying to convince them you'll come around, but you need to help me out for a change. Miss your Binkie? Sorry, Willie "Caught Stealing" Harris isn't going to be showing his face around here for some time.

5. Craig Hansen: I know you're the man. I know you got the sweet contract right out of St. John's. But you're not yet a big league reliever. Locate more, throw less. Listen to Schilling, not Beckett.

6. Al Nipper: Aren't you supposed to have an idea of when your guys are done before they cough up the game? You've been great at coming out and looking studious, but you have no feel for it.

7. Matt Clement: Grow up. Wear a helmet if you have to, but grow up. Pouting gets you nowhere.